Exciting News from Fermilab

The new combined CDF/DZero Higgs limits were released last Friday. I would give you a URL to the results, except they haven't appeared on the Fermilab website yet.

This is because there is some even more exciting news than that. Here in the States, there is a television show called "NUMB3RS" (catchy title) about mathematicians and theoretical physicists who run around solving crimes. As a physicist who hasn't seen the show, this seems rather unlikely to me, as the last crime I solved was "who stole my orange juice?" Then again, I'm no theorist, so what would I know?

Anyway, according to 'Fermilab Today' (http://www.fnal.gov/pub/today/) a recent storyline involves one character (played by Peter MacNicol) considering leaving his exciting life of crime-fighting QFT in order to join the DZero experiment.

That's right, DZero.

The character gives his reasons for joining the experiment, hoping to discover the Higgs boson, concluding "What can be more spiritual?" I have to say, I can think of quite a few things that are more spiritual. In fact, I think I have had more spiritual moments in Bracknell - in BRACKNELL - than I have at DZero.

Don't get me wrong; the work here is rewarding, and I do see the mystery and the wonder of trying to work out why the universe is like it is. However, as the old saying goes, "The nearer the church, the further from God." Once you really get involved, you start to lose sight of the big picture; you get bogged down in all the little details. And besides, once Mr. MacNicol starts using ROOT, I can guarantee he'll feel a lot less spiritual.

Anyway, there are some fairly revealing quotes in the 'Fermilab Today' article. The first is from Darien Wood, the DZero spokesperson:

"We can always use more 'brilliant but socially awkward' physicists to help us find the Higgs"

I choose to paraphrase this as:

"We are so understaffed at DZero, we are willing to hire actors to pretend to be physicists"

Better yet is Alan Stone's reaction:

"In every episode, there is a crime. One can imagine the kind of story line they would need in order to film here (in Fermilab). There's just no possible positive spin."

To me, this seems like an oppurtunity for a great story, not a problem. Consider this: a starry-eyed theorist comes to DZero to find the Higgs. However, after a couple of weeks, he realises the frustrations due to the Object-Oriented graphics and analysis software he has to use. Eventually, he is drven mad, and flies to Switzerland to get revenge on the creator of the software. Then, the other mathematician-detectives come to CERN to investigate the grisly murder: you can just imagine the close up on the lead actor's face as he says: "Well, that's something to narrow this down... whoever did this certainly doesn't like ROOT."